Dear Eric: I'm in my late 50s, my husband is in his early 70s. While he's always been incredibly intelligent, he has also always had a very poor memory. We believe he might also have ADHD.
As he's aged, his memory and decision-making has worsened. Several years ago, we had him baselined by a neuropsychologist, then re-evaluated twice. His assessment showed nothing more than age-related memory changes.
After the last assessment three years ago, the neuropsychologist indicated that we were probably having him evaluated more often than he needed.
I've gotten help for my own anxiety about this and feel like I'm handling that part of it much better. But I still find myself frustrated and impatient when we set up procedures or tools or lists or whiteboards or <insert coping mechanism here> that are intended to help him, and he either forgets to use them or delusionally believes himself capable of remembering without them.
He is quite capable and independent now, but I will be his caregiver as he grows older. If I'm this frustrated and at a loss now, I'm concerned about what is to come.
- Trying to Stay on Task
Dear Task: Fear of future forgetfulness is crowding your present. Try to stay in the here and now.
In the book "Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do to Help", Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery write "You can't shame yourself, or be shamed, into being more functional." This is a message for your husband and for you.
Your anxiety and frustration aren't something that you should feel ashamed of, but they aren't going to be effective catalysts to positively change in your relationship.
When your husband doesn't take advantage of help, it probably feels like a personal affront. It's not. Don't take his neurological state personally.
His memory struggles are also frustrating and possibly shame-inducing for him, too.
Have a conversation about places in your life where you feel like you're carrying more than your share of the burden. Do this without blame and with a focus on solutions to which you can both commit.
Even though your husband's memory issues are age-related, your state's Department of Aging will have resources for you. For instance, the Texas Department of Aging has a hotline staffed by trained professionals - 855-YES-ADRC.