This past summer, my youngest sister, "Elena," got married, which meant the extended family was in from out of town. To reduce the burden on the bride and groom, my wife and I volunteered to host a few informal get-togethers at our house. This is where things went sideways.
Immediately after lunch the day of the rehearsal dinner, my mom came storming into the kitchen, yelling. She'd gone into our bedroom to use our en-suite bathroom, and spotted my wife's prenatal vitamins on the vanity as well as a pack of ovulation tests. She was very upset that we hadn't told her we were trying for a baby! And she thinks my wife and I are "too old" to have a child (late 30s/early 40s) and that it's "irresponsible" of us to subject ourselves and our future child to all of the issues that come with advanced parental age. She said all this in front of everyone. The news spread quickly, and it became the hot gossip at the rehearsal dinner.
Months later, Elena and her husband are still livid that we "hijacked [their] wedding with [our] baby news," and our extended family has sided with them. We were selfish, everybody believes, to have "blindsided" the family with this information at Elena's wedding and even more selfish to consider having a baby at our age. My wife and I contend that my mother is in the wrong because she violated our privacy (twice!), by invading our private space and then by telling others what she saw in there, but my family won't stop complaining that we "selfishly stole Elena's thunder." Now my wife is pregnant, and we're honestly unsure how to share this news. We don't want our kid to grow up as "the baby that ruined Aunt Elena's wedding."
Congratulations! I am so happy for you! Tell whomever you want to tell, in whatever way you want to tell them -- in the family group chat? In a Facebook post? A mass email? Individual phone calls? (If you want to save yourselves time and trouble, just tell your mom -- she'll be sure to tell everyone else for you.) Anyone who treats this news as anything other than welcome and wonderful does not deserve even a minute of your attention. If you hear of reactions other than yay!, tell the bearer of that news (even if it's Mom) that you don't want to hear anything more about that. If anyone (yup, even Mom) is grotesque enough to say anything directly to you other than, "What fantastic news! I'm so happy for you!", you have my permission to 1) turn and walk away, 2) hang up the phone without a word, 3) leave the group chat, 4) say, "What an awful thing to say," and 5) deny them further updates, including the birth announcement.
Your mother's behavior was inexcusable. Your sister is behaving childishly. Your extended family should mind their own business. With a family like that, who needs enemies? Of course you didn't hijack anything; of course you weren't/aren't being selfish. And the notion that you are "too old" to have a child is ludicrous. (Do they all not know anyone other than the members of the family? And do they not read the newspaper, magazines ... or books? Or consume any media?) Please don't dignify this stupidity with an argument. If you can't bear to walk away or hang up, roll your eyes and change the subject, preferably to something that makes them feel terrible.
-- Michelle
Three years ago, my now ex-husband bailed on me when I had cancer. He said he couldn't take my constant negativity, even though I was going through grueling rounds of chemo and radiation. Our sex life plummeted after I went through chemo-induced menopause, we fought more, and he left me because he couldn't cope with taking care of me. Well, my cancer's now in remission, and my ex has come crawling back armed with apologies and promises to do better.