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Camera Shy

I have worked for my company for over 20 years. Earlier this year, I began an expat assignment to France, which had been my aspiration for many years. In a cruel twist of fate, soon after arriving, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, requiring immediate surgery, and I am now undergoing chemotherapy. I am continuing to work through my treatments. My team here is clearly aware and has been very supportive throughout. My work requires daily contact (interviews) via Microsoft Teams with global colleagues, many of whom I am meeting for the first time. My dilemma is what, if anything, I should say as I appear on the screen with a hat or a cap covering my hair loss at the start of the call. (My appearance is different than my Teams photo.) To this point, I haven't said anything as the calls start, but it feels so awkward and uncomfortable for me. Turning off the camera is not an option. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

-- Anonymous

I want to start off by acknowledging that this sounds incredibly awkward and uncomfortable -- but that it's not your responsibility to explain anything about your appearance to anyone you come in contact with. It just isn't. That said, I'm optimistic about the sensitivity of your colleagues -- even new ones -- to your situation and believe that most of them are or will be smart or intuitive enough to understand that the presence of a hat or a cap on your head (with no hair visible) suggests that you're going through some health treatments, specifically chemotherapy.

My advice is that you keep your condition to yourself unless someone asks you directly, in which case you may want to share more detailed information about your situation in a more "offline" environment. I don't say this because I believe that a cancer diagnosis is something to be ashamed of (nor are the side effects of chemotherapy). And I don't say this because I'm dismissive of your discomfort. I say this because I believe that you run the risk of feeling even more awkwardness and discomfort by starting off video calls by explaining your cancer diagnosis. Because though people may understand the broad outlines of what is going on, their reactions to this information, or lack thereof, may disappoint you in ways that you can't even imagine. What if your disclosure is met with uncomfortable silence? What if someone communicates sympathy in a way that feels inauthentic? You may feel even more awkward and unsure of yourself, which is the last thing you need when you're juggling what sounds like a demanding (though much-wanted) new job and treatment for cancer. It's a lot for anyone to handle. (And you're in a new country, to boot!) Focus on you, not on what people may think or feel, and you'll be golden.

Good luck.

A Manager Who Can't Manage

I am a manager at a small nonprofit, and we've been experiencing serious problems lately. I strongly suspect that most or all of these problems are due to my co-worker (whom I will call "Dave"), who manages a different group within our organization. Dave is a brilliant and kind person, and we generally get along very well. That said, I don't think he's meant to be a manager (and even he would tell you that he doesn't like the management aspects of his job). I suspect that most of his time is spent coming up with and developing brilliant ideas that our boss (rightly) is very impressed with, rather than managing his group. That leaves his group largely figuring things out on its own, and it is starting to make more and more mistakes that cause my group much more stress and work. They are also becoming an increasing existential threat to our organization as funders and other stakeholders become frustrated and alienated. I don't have direct evidence of any of this, but the anecdotal evidence has been piling up more and more until I can't ignore it. Dave and our boss (the executive director of our organization) have a friendship going way back, and I'm not sure if our boss is aware of how much Dave is checked out. What do I do? I could firebomb my relationship with Dave if I talk to him about it; I could firebomb my relationship with my boss if I talk to him about it. We are all underfunded, overworked and stretched thin, which is probably not going to be any different if I go work for another nonprofit. I'm not sure what options I have other than trying to find another job -- and in this economy!

-- Anonymous

Mistakes that lead to stress that lead to more work that lead to increasing amounts of frustration and alienation are indeed serious problems, and you have every right to be concerned, especially because, as you explain, the very future of your organization might be in jeopardy. (Many nonprofits have a hard enough time as it is.) Dave's brilliance aside, there's absolutely nothing good to be said about a situation in which the manager of a group of employees is not only falling down on the job, but also absent altogether. And it sounds like Dave is both (not that the two things are mutually exclusive). The snowball effect is real: The uncertainty (or incompetence) in Dave's group is causing your group stress, which in turn causes stress among the very folks who are in charge of making sure that your organization even exists. And what good are a bunch of brilliant ideas if there is the very real possibility that there won't be a future in which they can actually be carried out? Dave's group is, no doubt, under extreme amounts of stress as well, and though it is unclear from your query as to whether your boss is also stressed, I have to imagine that he is, especially if, as you say, stakeholders are becoming more and more disenchanted.

But here's the thing: The problem is not with Dave. It's with your boss, who doesn't seem to be connecting the dots from stakeholder alienation back to mistakes made by Dave's group, and then to Dave's managerial skills (or lack thereof). It seems crazy not to notice, right? Though I understand that your boss and Dave are friends -- and that you're concerned about "firebombing" a relationship with one or both of them -- close relationships in the workplace can blind us to all sorts of bad behaviors and lack of competency among our colleagues and prevent us from being clearheaded about the state of the business we are in. I've seen it with my own eyes.

All of this is to say that I think you need to say something, because this is no longer personal, it's business. And you need to say it to your boss. Start off by complimenting Dave's contributions to the organization -- he's got "brilliant" ideas, as you said -- but quickly pivot to your fears that his lack of oversight of his own employees has created a dire situation for the company, and your future within it. Explain, in detail, the ways in which Dave's group's mistakes are affecting your own group, and how this redounds to the larger goals and success of the organization. (I wish that you had shared a little bit about what sort of mistakes are being made and how they are being received by your organization's stakeholders and funders. Are these individuals asking or complaining about mistakes, or are they communicating their frustrations through more indirect means? What sort of anecdotal evidence are you privy to, and who is communicating it? And is it being shared with your boss?) Explain to your boss why you believe the organization is facing, as you describe it, an "existential threat," and make it clear that you've been moved to speak out because you're committed to the company's success.

If, as you fear, this sort of conversation explodes your relationship with your executive director, then that may be all you need to hear. At least you'll know where you stand, and you'll have a clearer picture of the situation and how you may want to address it in the future, which includes the possibility that you would look for another job. Because even though many other nonprofits are under extreme strain, financially and otherwise, not all of them are facing such a severe threat of survival. It's one thing to work under pressure. It's another thing entirely when that pressure is symbolic of something much larger at stake. Your boss may have his head in the sand in order to avoid the difficult truth about your organization's dysfunction, but that doesn't mean you need to, as well. If you see something, say something.