Love Is Blind did not pan out the way Kacie Mcintosh was hoping.
The Denver-based hair and makeup artist made waves in season 9 as her love story with Patrick Suzuki blossomed -- and then fizzled out -- in dramatic fashion. After getting engaged sight unseen, the two met in person, but things took a turn pretty quickly after, when Kacie revealed she did not want to continue on in the experiment with Patrick.
The decision seemed out of the blue, as Kacie, 34, previously told Patrick, 31, she loved him, had some racy conversations with him in the pods, and repeatedly said his race wasn't a factor, despite never dating an Asian man before.
However, because she didn't outwardly say she wanted to end things between them for good, Patrick interpreted that as she simply wasn't ready to get married and they'd continue dating off-camera instead. What unfolded instead was an awkward breakup, featuring Kacie crying, straddling and kissing Patrick, and admitting to cameras that she was not attracted to him.
Now, Kacie is opening up to PEOPLE about the dramatic moment and setting the record straight on everything that unfolded, including why she ended things, if she actually had intentions to keep dating him after the show, and yes, why she kissed and straddled Patrick during their breakup.
PEOPLE: Was Patrick always your top choice in the pods?
Kacie Mcintosh: Yeah. Day one, I have in my notebook. Patrick was my number two. He was always in the top for me. My number one, actually, in the beginning was Blake, but I don't actually think we talked that much. I can't remember. It was pretty much just Patrick through and through for me.
What was it about him that really set him apart from the others and made you feel confident in that connection?
KM: I feel like you don't get to really see our connection as much as I would love to, but we really connected on so many levels of travel, being full of life, being well-rounded, wanting to do all these activities and live a full life together. And I really loved how well he spoke and how much he was such a hard worker, and there was so much about him that I was just taken away by him.
What has it been like having to watch back some of the things we did see, particularly those spicier conversations that you guys had in the pods?
KM: Yeah, just the biggest ick of my life. It's hard to watch. I come from a Mormon background. I had to tell my mom, I'm like, 'Don't watch it.' It's been a lot watching it back. It's a show. You're there 10 days and you get a small aspect of who you are. And unfortunately now, I'm going to be shown as the girl that had a lot of sexy talk on a day, so not my favorite thing.
Thinking back on your reveal, do you remember things feeling off?
KM: I just remember feeling like this is a stranger in my arms right now. You do, unfortunately, you kind of picture -- you try not to -- but picture maybe who this person's going to be. And then, I saw him and I was like, "Oh." Not like his looks or anything, just feeling him, I was like, "Oh, this is a stranger. I actually don't know this person."
Why did you feel that way?
KM: Just the fact that it is a stranger. I started to crash out. I started to realize this is a serious thing we're about to go do. This is for marriage. This isn't for like, "Oh, am I going to date him? We're just going to go on dates after this." This was like, "No, we're going to take this to the altar." And at the moment, I just couldn't do that.
At one point in the pods, you mentioned your ex-boyfriend and said you still have contact with him, which made Patrick question if he was the "backup plan." Do you want to clarify anything about that?
KM: Yeah, it's pretty surprising. He wasn't the backup plan. I felt like I was the backup plan. Watching it, I had no idea he actually fell in love with somebody else [Anna Yuan]. But I didn't have a boyfriend. The ex-boyfriend is getting a lot of time right now and I have nothing to say about the ex-boyfriend. He's an ex. Nothing I was doing in Denver was working and I thought this was a great opportunity to try.
Patrick wasn't the backup plan, he was the main plan. And when we got back to Denver, I did reach out to him. I know that's getting misconstrued that I ghosted him. That's not what happened. I really did think I fell in love with him. I cared about him. I still care about him. I feel really bad that right now this is such weighing heavy on him. And I saw, he said [to PEOPLE], "Is it because I'm ugly or is it because I'm not cool?" And I obviously thought he was pretty fricking cool. I fell in love with him.
How did it feel to see his connection with Anna unfold while watching the episodes back?
KM: It didn't feel great. I watched it and I was like, "Oh, this isn't Patrick and I's love story. This is Patrick and Anna's love story." ... I did not know the extent of the relationship until I watched it on TV.
What made you hit a breaking point and end your time on the show with Patrick?
KM: I think it's when I got back to the hotel room by myself. I cared about him. I didn't want to take him through the next whole process of this, knowing that attraction, it turns out for me, is important. And this was me deciding in my head, "Can this attraction grow as much to take it to a wedding?" I needed to figure that out with him and me on our own back home in Denver.
Did you have intentions of ending things for good?
KM: No, I didn't want to end things at that point... When I saw him, he was the only person in that whole room that I felt like I really knew, so that's why I felt so comforted. Everybody's like, "Why were you kissing him?" I was like, "Because I felt comfort in his arms."
It's just a crazy experience. And then, I was, for a moment like, "Am I making a mistake? Should we stay?" But at this point, I thought the only way we're ever going to make this really work is if we come back to Denver and date slowly at our own pace and not this rushed, get to the altar in a month.
What is your response to the people who are accusing you of not being there for the right reasons?
KM: It comes back to we're there 10 days, hours on end. You saw the worst parts of me... A lot of people are coming after me like I don't deserve love, but I went on. I've wanted love more -- I don't want to say more than anybody -- but I wanted to find my person. I'm 34. I want to share my life with somebody and I thought this show was going to be a really good opportunity to maybe see if I could find a connection with somebody and be with somebody that wasn't just physical. Because in my past, it has been just basically physical and I really wanted a more deep connection with somebody.
And to say I went on for clout or fame, well, I would take away the clout and fame to get rid of episode 4, I will say that. That will forever be on there and my future kids, my future husband, people are going to see that. But yeah, I'm still on this journey to find love. And the great part about this show is they gave me new tools of, yes, attraction does matter to me, but also this connection does matter. Now, finding both of them together is where we're at.
Do you have any regrets about how you handled things with Patrick?
KM: I was trying to protect his feelings and his insecurities, and it came off weird. It came off wrong. It was like gaslighting and I think that was my biggest regret. Unfortunately, nobody knew what was going through my head. I'm a lover girl. I was like, "Wait, maybe this could work in Denver." But yeah, I regret making him feel more insecure about his biggest thing, and not being completely honest.
Nobody wants to say right to their face, "I don't know if the attraction can grow. Let's go home." I just didn't want to say that right then in that moment. We just came off seeing each other [at the reveal] ... I didn't want to break his heart in that way.
Is there anything else you want fans to know?
KM: I guess a lot of people are coming after me right now, and I just have to say I wore my heart on my sleeve. I did what I could and I'm human and I did an experiment that unfortunately just did not work for me. And I feel really sorry that it didn't work for Patrick either, and that it didn't work for us. And how I went about everything, did I do it in the way everybody wanted me to? No, but I did it in the way I thought was best at the time, and that's all I can do. I loved Patrick. We did this thing together, and I did the best I could with the weirdest experience you'll ever go through that nobody will really ever understand.