It usually starts small. The same fight, replayed every few weeks, over dishes in the sink or whose turn it is to handle the laundry. One partner feels unheard, the other feels nagged. Both go quiet, hoping the tension will evaporate on its own. They still love each other, but the conversations are shorter, the silences longer, the phones more magnetic than eye contact. By the time someone suggests counseling, it already feels like admitting failure -- like walking into the ER after ignoring chest pains for months.
Rich and DawnCheré Wilkerson think that's exactly backward. The Miami-based pastors of VOUS Church say counseling isn't an ambulance you call when your marriage is in flames. It's a tune-up, the oil change that keeps the whole thing running in the first place.
"The idea that you only go to counseling once you have a problem is one of the biggest misconceptions out there," Rich said.
The couple's reframe is something that sounds obvious once you hear it out loud: stop treating counseling like crisis management and start seeing it like routine care.
Rich leans on a metaphor that lands because it's so simple. Nobody waits until their engine seizes to get an oil change.
"But so often, we drive our relationship car until it breaks down, then take it to the shop," he said.
He and DawnCheré don't wait. They schedule counseling and mentorship on their calendar, not because they're drowning, but because they know relationships need outside voices, fresh input and space to process before the cracks appear.
"In every other area of our lives, we take care of what God's entrusted to us before it falls apart," DawnCheré said. "I go to the dentist before my teeth rot out. I get financial advice before I'm broke. Why would marriage be any different?"
She sees counseling less as damage control and more as casting a vision. If you're committing to spend the rest of your life with someone, why wouldn't you want to plan for health and longevity instead of waiting for disaster? For them, that means seeking out older couples who've walked through seasons they haven't faced yet, listening to mentors who can offer perspective and pulling wisdom from community. Sometimes it's formal therapy, sometimes it's a living room conversation. Either way, it's intentional.
Debra Fileta, a licensed relationship counselor, agrees with their assessment. She's seen the cost of couples who wait too long. Too many couples, she said, show up after years of neglect -- when the foundation is cracked, the walls are sagging and nobody knows where to start rebuilding.
"Healthy people make healthy relationships," Fileta said.
That work begins before the vows, even before the dating. If you're single, she argued, counseling is one of the best ways to prepare for a future marriage: work on your baggage now, don't drag it into your next relationship.
Even therapists, she added, need therapy.
"Process life through someone else's lens," Fileta said. "Get an objective perspective on where you're at and where you need healing."
Counseling isn't about being broken -- it's about being proactive.
Still, there's the reality that not everyone is willing to go. One spouse might resist, or flat-out refuse.
DawnCheré doesn't buy the excuse.
"That shouldn't hold back the other person from starting to process and starting to get the healing that they need," she said.
One willing participant is enough to start change. The breakthroughs ripple.
The broader lesson applies beyond relationships. Take finances, for example. Most people assume budgets are for people already drowning in debt, or that financial coaching is only for the wealthy. But the healthiest households are the ones who build structure before crisis hits.
The Wilkersons argue the same principle is true in faith. If you only turn to God when you're desperate, that's not much of a relationship.
"If we only go to God when things are bad, it's not much of a relationship," he said. "We want to journey with God through the mountaintops and through the valley."
That same rhythm, he said, is what strengthens marriages. Problems are inevitable. Valleys come. But couples who've done the work -- through counseling, mentorship and preventative rhythms -- have the tools to come out stronger.
And the Wilkersons aren't theorizing. They've walked through their own valleys, leaned on each other and on community, and seen their marriage refined in fire.
"A relationship is going to go through challenges," Rich said. "But if we build on a strong foundation, when the fire of life comes, our relationship will come out even stronger."
The takeaway isn't complicated, but it is countercultural. Counseling isn't a shameful last resort. It's a way of life. It's what keeps the small fights from calcifying into resentment, the quiet stretches from turning into permanent distance. The Wilkersons, with their blend of pastoral weight and cultural visibility, are helping rebrand therapy not as the hospital at the end of the road, but as the gym you join to stay strong.
"Don't run away or keep these things in the shadows," Rich said. "Work them out. Work them through. Get healthy. Work with people who can help you get healthy."