Dear Abby: My husband's 50th birthday (we're both men) is approaching, and I wanted to have a surprise party for him. His family, my family and the two of us all live in different states on the East Coast. I thought a compromise would be to have the party in New Jersey (halfway) on a Saturday. I even offered to rent an Airbnb for the weekend, understanding that traveling might be too much for some folks.
Even after all these efforts, my mother-in-law responded that she feels having two separate parties (one in her state and one local to us) is a better solution. I am beyond mad that his family is unwilling to make any sacrifice to see him happy. His family has never once come to visit us. (We have made multiple trips there.)
I still want to have a celebration, but I'm worried that with his family absent it will upset him. He's a smart man. He will know they were invited but didn't bother to show up.
I don't want to cancel the party, but I also feel that asking us to have two separate ones is unreasonable and selfish on their part.
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Must I just cut bait and stop expecting them to care?
Planner in Maryland
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Dear Planner: Your husband's family is your husband's family. By the age of 50, he is likely accustomed to their indifference, if that is their problem. Throw him a surprise party a couple of days before his actual birthday and invite friends to celebrate with you. Then, on his actual birthday, leave the hosting to his mother. (Hopefully, she will.) If she agrees, go there with a smile and try not to let your anger ruin the milestone occasion.
Dear Abby: How do I go on in life without my husband? We were married 44 years and very much in love. It has been eight months since his passing. He had MS and had to live his last six years in a nursing home. He was diagnosed at 47 and passed away at 66 -- too young. The disease hit him hard and fast, and his death was long and painful. Every day is the same for me now, filled with emptiness, sadness and tears.
Out of Sorts in Michigan
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Dear Out: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved husband. Did you join a grief support group after his death? If the answer is yes, you may be able to get through this journey with additional help from an individual therapist.
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From what you have written, it appears you are very isolated.
Please consider filling some of the emptiness you feel by getting out of your house and meeting people. Reach out to friends, join a gym -- because physical activity is an important mood booster -- and find a cause for which to volunteer. Although you may never stop missing your husband, you have your own life to live now. Please don't waste a precious moment of it.
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