If you go through my question history you'll see that in the last years I have suffered greatly because of my father. I decided to go NC with him for a litany of reasons, including having a secret family, not bothering to see me when I had a very risky cancer operation, and emptying out my trust fund after said operation.
I hear (against my will) that he's not been doing OK lately and have a host of health issues, and is also going legal bankruptcy. I also hear that the reason he had secretly gotten married with his wife is because she baby trapped him and she's since then fervently blocked his efforts to see me.
Well, he randomly showed up in my hospital room last night. I was sitting with a friend looking at some vacation pictures, and there he appeared, standing in front of me. I thought I was hallucinating.
The conversation was short and I was rude, I think, which I feel terrible about - and I know I shouldn't! I basically asked what he was doing here and didn't he have a whole family to raise, and I didn't answer any of his questions about what the doctors are saying about my condition. I told him that he didn't come to see me when I was hospitalised after my abdominal surgery so why is he here now and could he just go, and take the fruits he brought with him. He just looked so dejected and sad standing there and then turned around and walked off, muttering that I should just toss the fruits if I wanted to.
The silly thing is that after he left, I turned to my friend to ask if she thought I had hurt his feelings. She obviously said no and that I was being way more measured than she would be in my shoes.
It's really brought up all sorts of weird feelings in me and it doesn't help that I'm also in a physically compromised state right now. After his appearance, I told a family member that still keeps in touch with him that I am willing to speak with him and begin the process of making amends but only if he agrees to apologise to me in person and give me real answers to all the questions I have. My mother doesn't believe it's possible - he's a cowardly little man. She very gently explained that the man she married is not and has never been emotionally mature, and asking him to take accountability of the shit he's done is nigh impossible, even though he's ashamed and embarrassed and especially because he's terrified of me, and I should just forget this ever happened and go on pretending like I don't have a father. I am grateful for her advice - and obviously she knows him much better than I do, and her keeping such a balanced perspective even when I know she actually hates the man makes me respect her so much more.
But I simply cannot pretend like it did not happen. I wonder if you can help me make sense of that interaction, and where you think I can go from here? Therapist inbound, of course - but while I am stuck in this hospital bed, MeFi, what happened, and why am I sobbing as I type this? What should I do? Why has he done this? What did he think was going to happen?