Leona Oceania runs Die Well Death Education, facilitating presentations and conversations on death in the Greater Portland area. Oceania brings individually-wrapped skull-shaped cakes to her events and bakes a big batch of the cakes every weekend. Contributed / Portland Public Library

Most gatherings around death recall familiar scenes: mourners huddled together in black, hushed tones and handkerchiefs.

However, at a meeting about death in the Portland Public Library, 25 strangers of all ages sit in a circle, smiling. Instead of an atmosphere of tears and shock, the mood bounces between laughter, discussions of the law and philosophizing on the meaning of life. The only obituaries being discussed are the ones that group members are writing about themselves.

"You wouldn't think that this morbid topic brings people together, but it really is an equalizer," said attendee Brianna Keliehor.

The Portland Death Café is a meeting where community members come to discuss all aspects of dying and death. The gatherings on the third Wednesday of the month at the library are open to the public and facilitated by Leona Oceania, a death educator who lives in Cape Elizabeth. Oceania oversees a variety of community programs on death in the Greater Portland area that offer an alternative to our "death-averse" culture in which these topics are not often openly discussed, she said.

"Everybody's gonna die. It's not like this is a niche topic, because it applies to everyone," said Oceania.

Death Cafés are a global social movement for community discussions of death. The concept was created by Swiss anthropologist Bernard Crettaz in 2004 and furthered by British web developer Jon Underwood in 2011, who launched the Death Café website that spurred its global spread. So far, there have been 19,546 regular Death Cafés in 93 countries and seven in Maine.

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In 2017, Oceania's grandfather told her about Death Cafés and she attended the Portland chapter. Two years later, Oceania was leading the meetings.

"I was the little kid that always wanted to talk about death. Nobody else did, and I couldn't figure that out, because it was the one thing that was going to happen to everybody, and why was nobody talking about it?" said Oceania. "That just obviously was a part of who I was, and it continued through my adulthood."

The Death Café spurred her to complete other death educator trainings during the COVID-19 pandemic, giving her expertise as an end-of-life doula, in supporting home funerals and helping individuals craft their life's legacy.

Oceania now facilitates the Death Cafés at the Portland Public Library, the Scarborough Public Library and at an assisted living facility in Yarmouth. The monthly meetings each regularly have between 15 and 30 attendees.

"It's just really taken off in a way that I never, ever, ever expected it to. It's been great," said Oceania, who is also an administrative coordinator for the town of Scarborough.

Rachel Kathryn, 21, and Keliehor, 20, attended the Portland Death Café together. Kathryn first came in June and said she loves hearing about other people's perceptions of death.

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"I have a long history of death, so it's just always on my mind, it never really goes away. Finding community in conversation about death has just been, like, exponentially life changing," said Kathryn.

"(It has) contextualized and put words to thoughts I was having already that I didn't know what to do with or how to sort out," she said.

Keliehor said that the Death Café highlighted the communal aspect of death. She has become interested in taking the end-of-life doula course at University of New England following her experiences at the Death Café.

"A big piece that I left with in my mind afterwards is the inaccessibility of a peaceful, beautiful death, and how many people it takes for one person to pass, and the deep need for community organizations, because equality also extends to death," said Keliehor.

"I don't think that's part of the conversation that we're having whatsoever. And Death Cafés are that conversation," she said.

Oceania also leads year-long Die Well Death Education series at the Scarborough Public Library, Kennebunk Free Library and the Reiche Community Center in Portland. Differing from the free-flowing conversations of the Death Café, Oceania gives presentations on a specific death-related topic at the monthly installments, going over the legal paperwork involved with dying, medically assisted death, navigating hospice care and creating an end-of-life plan. Oceania also focuses on the financial aspects of burials and consumer protection.

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"I want people to know their rights within the funeral industry," said Oceania. "I think that the funeral industry has gotten the reputation that it has for kind of preying on people at their most vulnerable time in life, because nobody talks about death, and nobody talks about the fact that there are more options," she said.

Oceania covers lesser-known methods of body disposition such as alkaline hydrolysis and composting and encourages attendees to shop around when they are in need of funeral services to get the best price.

"Sometimes it's very easy to be sort of convinced that whatever is the most expensive is the best proof of love," said Rosanne Graef, vice president of the West End Neighborhood Association, which supports the Die Well Death Education program at the Reiche Center.

Graef said that the community that forms around these conversations can make discussing the details of death possible in new ways.

"For some people, it's easier to talk to strangers about these things than to your own family," said Graef. "You don't have all that emotional baggage ... It's just people (who) can be much more open."

Oceania said she never uses euphemisms when talking about dying and death, as she wants to convey how comfortable she is with the topic and model how it should be spoken about openly.

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"I also do my best to keep it light. I mean, it's heavy information, but I try to present it in a lighter way, and I'm really frank," she said.

Christine McHale, a Die Well Death Education attendee, said, "It's a subject that could be very off-putting to other people, and she just makes it so matter-of-fact that nobody ever gets squeamish. I've never seen that happen."

Oceania acknowledges that many aspects of death are deeply saddening and unavoidably uncomfortable. Yet she and many other death education attendees said they viewed contemplating and preparing for death a gift to both oneself and their loved ones.

"You're gonna die. So why not die well? And preparation is key. It's possible - people can experience a good death," said Oceania.

"Nobody wants to die. There's no getting around the fact that it's sad and it's hard, but it's going to happen to all of us, and the more and better we prepare for it, both for ourselves and for the people we care about, the better the experience can be," she said.

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